I’m truly terrible at being happy! Man. I haven’t posted, because I haven’t done a thing with myself in a couple weeks. Things at home aren’t all that great. I did get a job, but it’s not nearly enough to live off of. So even the little good things don’t seem to even out enough for me to be happy about. Does that make sense? I can buy shampoo now without bumming money. That’s cool.
And just general loneliness I’m battling. I’m surrounded by terrific friends, but if I’m not out doing something all the time, I’m just sad, and don’t know what to do with myself. I was getting fixated on things I can’t control, either.
Basically: silly things are slowing me down from what matters: fixing myself. I need to love myself before I need to worry about loving someone else, so nix that idea right now. Spending so much time at home? Bitch, you’re creative! Create! And in between each row you crochet, do 5 push ups. Something!
Today was the first day I went back on track. I’ve been crocheting a blanket all day, and watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, so I’ve kept my hands and my mind busy, and off of what has been bringing me down. Then, I did yoga for the first time (successfully). It was just an introduction, learning how to breathe correctly, and some ab-generalised stuff. It felt amazing.
I’m going to make some tea now, turn on “The Ghost in You” by BT, and meditate. My first day of work is tomorrow, and I’m nervous, but it will be ok. I’m starting fresh.
Also, Latrice Royale said this on Drag Race tonight, deeming her one of my inspirations: “It’s ok to make mistakes. Get up, look SICKENING, and make them eat it.” she’s a beautiful soul, and is totally in control of her life. That’s what slapped me back to reality tonight.
Good night, and I will post tomorrow~
xo
